Why Insecure People Can Damage Good Relationships


Ava Appel

We all have our own insecurities whether it be our looks, our financial situation, our abilities, we have all been insecure about something in our lives. But what happens when we take these insecurities into a relationship? We project our low self-esteem onto the other person. We start questioning their motives, snooping around where we are not supposed to and lose trust in the other person. Not only does this create extremely toxic situations, it’s bad on your own mental health; constantly worrying if that person is going to leave you, then acting out from jealousy and fear. 

According to medium.com, “Insecurity will make you internalize your thoughts and feelings.” When you are so insecure that your thoughts take you over as a whole, you begin to lose trust and often seek reassurance more than you may need. This usually proceeds with unnecessary arguments and resentment, when really the person you’re resenting is yourself and the person whom your trauma stems from. Entertaining every thought that enters your mind is extremely dangerous and only restricts you from healing from whatever trauma or past experiences caused this extreme insecurity in the first place. 

While there is nothing wrong with feeling insecure or seeking extra reassurance when you want or need it, it is important to realize when it engulfs you. When all you can think about is what your partner is doing, who they are with and who they are talking to, it’s time to take a step back and realize the attachment and codependency you and/or your partner have created. An important side note is that in certain relationships, when one partner is not getting enough reassurance in one category, they often seek it in things that don’t even really matter to them. For example, if one partner feels they are not being made a priority, they will get upset with their partner over small things and may become more controlling, causing arguments. This partner feels a disconnect and is feeling insecure about the legitimacy of their partner’s love, when this happens they seek reassurance through other conversations to fill that hole. Insecure people often struggle to understand that what they are seeking can be filled within themselves, or with a simple conversation with their partner. Relationships, although hard work, should make you feel good. They should offer you reassurance when you need it and make you feel loved, but they should not be the only source of your happiness because this is when love and attachment get confused; and when this happens, both partners end up hurt.